Does Eco-Comedy Exist?

I plan to perform the following standup act and rap at this year’s school talent show. It feels a bit edgy, but why not just let it all hang out?!

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So, I’m an environmental policy major. And I really want to be able to do environmental comedy. Because, Ecosystem collapse. Right, you guys? Come on… No…? Um, toxic waste? Nuclear fallout? Heavy metal poisoning? Species extinction?

The environment really isn’t funny. It’s depressing. I think I have PTSD, learning about all the messed up things we do all the time. Mountaintop removal, basically blowing the brains off a mountain to scoop out the insides, sea trawling leaving scars you can see from space, fracking all over the place — it’s like Earth is a victim on Law & Order SVU!

But society is all like, ‘frack on’! And so I think the environment needs a superhero, to defend its honor. Like Wonderwoman and Captain Planet put together – Slinging corporate villains in the mud all like ‘how darest thou plow this rare tropical hotspot and destroy countless endemic species!’ Then maybe we could care a little bit that we’re murdering our spaceship earth – just an idea.

The worst thing that happens if we decide to dial it back a little on the earth fracking, is that we have cleaner less polluted communities without this dependence on dead plants (and, maybe, dinosaurs?! If you’re into that kind of subversive evolutionary logic.)

I realize not everyone thinks we need to protect and honor pachamama. So, can I get a spot in your spaceship? Because I figure in a few decades, mars might be looking pretty good. I’ve also got my eye on what I think is going to be primo beach real estate in Siberia. Hamptons 2050 here I come!

I don’t have a Roth IRA or anything – I mean duh, cause I’m a grad student. But I figure education and land are better investments than the financial system, By the time we retire it’ll be under 5 feet of water and a mutant ninja crocodile.

If you’ve seen any of these documentaries where they forecast climate change’s effects, it’s insane. It’s like Day After Tomorrow and 2012 and Shark versus Squid, or whatever that dumb Samuel L Jackson movie was… But I haven’t even seen any of them, though, because I learn about this stuff in class every day. On the bright side, Irvine will make a nice boathouse in 80 years. Good thing the IEP program has a marine track.

At some point FEMA won’t be able to show up any more – like when China decides to pull the plug on the nation’s credit card. They’ll just send a care package with spaghettio’s, some cigarettes and a gun that says ‘save the last one for yourself.’

I feel like people don’t see climate changes as as real of a threat, as, say terrorism. People love to hate the jihad. Right? I want to make the environment like jihad. Except I want it to be a cold war villain, like a german or ex-kgb agent or something. Does anyone else get nostalgic and pop in a Die Hard VHS sometimes, just for zat krisp German akzent?

So this is my proposal, Summer 2012 blockbuster (fitting, right?) GHG versus America. Imagine a world where the biggest mass murderer of all time was all around you – and it was invisible.
Bigger than World War I and II combined. Green house gas emissions!

GHG don’t care who you are, or how much money you make. GHG does what it wants! You live on a cliff? Nope, you live in the lake! You’re on the beach? Hurricane, storm, tsunami. You live near a ski resort? Nope, you live near a hill with some weird mechanical chairs running up and down it, nobody really knows what they’re for…

MANPANTS, I know you’re out there thinking, ‘terrorism is a lot more real than climate change you hippy’ – that’s fine. But when natural resources run out between nuclear enemies, don’t come crying about it. I’ll be in my specially outfitted eco-bunker modeled off the bio-dome, only this one works. Eat your heart out, Newt Gingrich, I will never give you my moon colony blueprints!

Because seriously, you guys, it’s 2012. You know what I’m talking about? And there’s a lot of craziness in the air. That’s why I’m embarking on my 2012 Survival Skills Summer Road-Trip, where I will endeavor to learn how to survive if everyone turns into vampire zombies one day. I’m also forming Apoca-pods of ‘concerned citizens’ with access to land and supplies, I figure it will be better to have a gang after the Rapture.

Anyway, enough of forcing a captive audience to listen to my survivalist rantings, now I’m going to rap for you instead! I decided that to go along with my superstar movie, pachamama needed a theme song. Check it, one two.

CUE THE MUSIC!
Anthropogenic radiative forcing, human-caused global warming,
You know how we do – it’s the climate change rap…

(CHORUS) It’s a 9-11 call, we’re under attack
Ecosystems everywhere about to collapse
It’s a jihad on nature and we’re the terrorists
Better get started on your climate change bucket list.

Glaciers, and polar bears, birds and bees, gonna suffer the effects of this warming disease.
Humans think we’re immune cause we’ve got A/C.
But won’t be long til these Oncelers, can’t hide in their Thneeds.
The Lorax warned us, we ignored him, now we’re paying our dues.
We’re gonna keep exploiting nature til we’ve got nothing to lose. Global warming!

We keep poisoning the rivers and cutting down trees,
gonna kill the whole planet – lemmings on amphetamines
headed off the cliff and then there’s no turning back,
but we keep pumping the gas to the very last gasp

It’s a Double A Eaarth – have you heard the news?
Bill McKibben says it’s too late to choose
Freedom’s just another word for nothing to lose.
We’re keep turning up the heat, a nation of fools.

Dinosaurs gonna cause a second extinction.
Burning the oil creating emissions
We’re choking to death on our Fossil fuel addiction –
Cause we’re lemmings on amphetamines
Headed for the cliff. So buckle up your seat belt, grab that bucket list.

Glaciers melting in the national parks –
Permafrost gonna need a new trademark,
Kinda-sorta-sometimes frost doesn’t sound quite the same
admit it or not, we’re changing the game.
Houses sinking in the ground like a Neverending Story
I’m sure you all remember that poor little pony…

We’ve occupied earth with our corporate philosophy,
Burning down forests, eating next year’s seeds,
Til there’s nothing left to grow, nothing can breed,
It’s the death of birth, because we needed some Thneeds.

(HOOK) If we poison the rivers and cut down all the trees,
We’re just like the Once-lers who made lots of Thneeds.
We cut down the forest to make trendy sweaters,
The Lorax tried to warn us but we think we know better…

(CHORUS) It’s a 9-11 call, we’re under attack,
Ecosystems everywhere about to collapse,
It’s a jihad on nature and we’re the terrorists,
Better get started on your climate change bucket list.

Multinational companies framing protesters,
Big business buys votes and keeps congress on a tether,
And all these bogus politicians who are reppin’ for industry,
Do they not believe in dinosaurs or understand history?
Or are they spinning their lies until they start to believe em?
They refuse to recognize that we’re changing the seasons,
Well if you don’t like science I know what you can do,
Turn in your cell phones and computer – no more tweeting for you!

See the fires in California, it’s hard to deny,
Insurance companies know global warming’s no lie,
They’re already charging more for natural disasters,
Because they know the truth – shit is getting worse, faster.
But Santorum Romney and all Newt refuse to admit,
That the science behind these climate claims is legit.
Do they have a rocket ship headed for space?
Soon we’ll all be trying to get rides outta this place.

Van Jones wants to put America back to work,
But that means we need to set priorities first,
Building wind and solar panels, not SUVs,
Retrofit the nation, save some trees,
We don’t need dirty energy, let’s shoot for the stars,
We need the tech anyway if we can go to Mars…

(CHORUS) It’s a 9-11 call, we’re under attack,
Ecosystems everywhere about to collapse,
It’s a jihad on nature and we’re the terrorists,
Better get started on your climate change bucket list.

4 thoughts on “Does Eco-Comedy Exist?

  1. Hey yo. Good meeting you in Oly. You are a super smart and clever comedian.
    Keep on rockin in the free world.
    Good luck with keeping the apocalypse body count as low as possible.

  2. Great idea! Thanks for the suggestion. I’ll be updating the post text and be sure to include it up there, thanks.

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