Would be totally different. That’s what I learned today, bizarrely enough, while visiting the token hippy homestead here on Lopez. The original settler was a quintessential Californian transplant (let’s call him Cali), with a lot of ‘what was I saying…?’ if you know what I mean. He was slightly disgruntled with life on Lopez, mostly because of the short growing season and the long line of building codes derailing his ideal off-grid lifestyle.

He dreams of moving to the Big Island (Hawaii) or back to California, but the plethora of illegal dwellings on his back 40 make it unlikely he’ll be able to recoup their full value if he ever does decide to sell (see the ‘temporary’ bus/house that one master carpenter tenant constructed). Plus his kind and centered wife **Wind** would probably have something to say about it if his plans ever threaten to come to fruition, considering she has four grandchildren on the island and is a chef, dula and raiki practitioner.

(Aside: isn’t it funny how Microsoft Word refuses to recognize anything alternative or sustainable, including but not limited to: GMOs, biodiesel, dula, raiki, and humanure? What up Bill Gates, if it’s not biotech you’re not buying it? “I reject your reality and substitute my own!“)

After touring the grounds, we ended up in their awesomely warm house (seriously these people are averse to the cold, as am I, thank jeebus), Cali had to go get his Alzheimers mother ready for her haircut – talk about a bummer. His wife thinks part of his general frustration is this caretaking time of his life, which makes me happy my mom maintains the “push me off the edge of a beautiful cliff” mentality regarding dementia.

As we drank their maté and massaged our frozen limbs, Wind offered us up a book called The Secret Universe of Names, which gives a personality overview based on the consonants of your given name based on sound profile. As an atheist who believes my natal horoscope, my skepticism of energy and unseen forces is tempered by the bizarre truths some of these systems hold (as I refuse to recognize the concept of patternicity for the sake of continuing my probabilistically asinine beliefs). However, I was in no way prepared for what it says about Jessy.

First of all, my namesake is Pioneer, and my positive characteristics are “original, straight-shooter, charismatic” while my negatives are “volatile, rebellious, bull-headed”. If you’ve met me, it’s hard to disagree. But wait, it doesn’t stop there!

“The letter S is the symbol for all things sexy, sassy, sensual, serpentine and sly, and the letter J is the harbinger for a personality full of self-righteous judgment. So if you’ve ever met a person who’s simultaneously charmed you and challenged your core beliefs, there’s a good chance it was a JS. These people have the admirable, albeit somewhat annoying, ability to beguile just about anyone and turn them into co-conspirators.

JS people are attractive and intimidating. They have the ability to lighten tense situations with their sly sense of humor and youthful vigor, but they also give the feeling that at any minute they’re going to switch into authoritative mode and start calling the shots. Perhaps it’s because they have such strong confidence in their understanding of the universe that they’re willing to put themselves on the line in this way.â

 WTF, Secret Universe, get out of my head! I would think it was confirmation bias except for the hyena-like cackling of the two girls reading over my shoulder, confirming the veracity of the claims. But this isn’t true for all Jesse/Jessi/Jessia/Jessie/Jessy’s that I know, never mind Jacinta, Jasper and Jesus. So how can this possibly pertain specifically to me? As does my horoscope, Myers-Briggs and Real ID? Yes, I have megalomaniac tendencies, and am pretty tuned into myself, but still, this seemed too weird to be true, or not true, or even exist…

I guess picking names is one more reason to tread carefully into baby-making – my parents could have saved themselves a lot of trouble if they had chosen calmer consonants. I’m just being tongue in cheek, or am I…? Ow, I just bit my cheek!