Gender Pains, V1

I truly believe being male makes it easier to find acceptance in other countries the world over. Why? Well, clearly because of cultural gender roles and expectations, first of all.  Secondly, I’ve witnessed many a male foreigner be cute and silly while they work to communicate, exciting giggles and smiles and statements of “he’s so cute and funny” from the locals.. Whereas – when I’m goofy while struggling through – I generally get blank stare reactions. While I know part of this is personal (to do with how I present myself), I also think it has to do with my gender.

So, for the first month my family was pretty fixated on two of the male volunteers of our group – one who lives here and another who lives about an hour’s walk away. By fixated, I mean – they just tend to talk about these guys more, and be generally more interested in their whereabouts etc. The first is the humble all-star of our cluster, “all-star” insomuch he is certainly picking up the language the fastest – and obviously everyone in our village has taken notice. My daai (male head of household) talks about how smart he is, and tries to invite him over all the time. The other volunteer they take note of is of El Salvadorian heritage, and thus has a complexion very similar to many of the Nepalese here. Thus: they think he looks Nepalese, and it excites them very much. One day, my baai (little brother) said he’d come on a group hike with me just because this volunteer would be there. I explained to him that there’s more to a person than appearance, and that many many people in the world have similar complexions, but my family’s interest continues.

These fixations paired with a somewhat disastrous first impression (perhaps I’ll share in another entry…), among many other little things left me initially feeling somewhat unwanted due to my sex – as if my family was jealous of the families that got male volunteers. Now, before you write me to say that I may have been reading into things too much, let me briefly provide some cultural context. This society values males tremendously over females. In the Hindu religion, a father needs a son in order to properly perform their burial ceremony. If a wife fails to provide a son, she has failed her husband. Thus, the majority of abortions are of female fetuses. Sons are sent to more expensive, better quality schools. Part of this is because girls are not viewed as intelligent, but another part is because when a daughter marries, she moves in with her husband and his family; thus, there is little incentive to invest in a family member who will ultimately belong to a different household. Women are often left out of major decisions. Women are the last to eat around the table… So many things…

Not having received much … appreciation . .. I’ve naturally cherished the few affirmations I’ve received. The catch: they’ve all been aligned with the expectations of my gender. The family reacted really well when I bought glass bangles for Teej, a festival celebrating women, and proudly dressed me in a fine red sari, nail-polish, tikka and all. Tonight I made my first Roti, and my daai complemented it as very delicious  About a week ago, he commented on being happy that I like all the food they serve me. And then – said I was “very fat”. This could have been disastrous if I wasn’t already aware of the values here: being a healthy size or over-weight is a sign of wealth and considered beautiful; thus being skinny is a sign of poverty (obviously these values are changing in the westernized urban centers). My little brother commented: “You’re not so fat. You are healthy and strong. I am skinny because I always said I didn’t like foods growing up.” Thus – I have so far only been appreciated for surface things: my “fat-ness;” my willingness to assimilate their idea of beauty; and – for food.

But in all fairness – my gender has otherwise not yet been a hindrance. Still, the fear remains that it will have a negative impact on my project efforts at my permanent post. Let’s hope the fear is baseless…