Adult Adolescence

When the PC Nepal-199 group arrived here in September, our training staff warmly welcomed us – and then likened us to babies: new, clueless and utterly dependent. The metaphor continued into our training, culminating with our swear-in where we were called “toddlers who have learned to walk.” While I couldn’t logically disagree – I certainly spoke and understood little more than a baby – I never much cared for the metaphor. It was hard enough to leave my drastically independent adulthood in the US behind me, but then to be repeated called a child while being treated like one really frustrated me (we were fundamentally under house-arrest, required to report when we arrived home nightly). But despite my distaste for the metaphor, I have found my first three months at permanent post have undeniably fit: in many ways it has felt like going through adolescence all over again.

About a month ago I wrote home about having gotten over the “adjustment hump”, as I was genuinely in a happy and productive high through the month of January. And then, as is the way of life, I ran smack into another wall. I became freshly overwhelmed with my surroundings and lacked the energy and patience to struggle through language barriers and cultural differences I still hadn’t fully grasped. It was perhaps my third true low since arriving in Nepal six months ago. I still believe my high in January was legitimate, but as I’ve picked myself back up again my high felt more like a teenager’s false victory at having “achieved adulthood” – that moment before we realize that being an adult is an ongoing process: a journey, not a destination. And in that moment I realized that I hadn’t over come the adjustment hump but an adjustment hump, one of many.

This job is demanding in so many ways beyond the job itself. Full immersion in a completely foreign culture demands deep-seated shifts in one’s ego: one must re-learn their place in society, and in many ways re-establish her sense of self. That said, it’s little wonder that I found myself knocked back into my childhood levels of shyness and insecurity – unsure about my decisions, doubting my abilities, and often hesitating over silly things (Looking back on my “Take me with you” entry, I recognize how these emotions exacerbated my frustrations).With the roller-coaster of these emotional highs and lows, I am reminded of the fits and spurts of adolescent growing pains. As frustrating as it has been, I admit that the process of working through the>m once again has provided many fresh lessons. Among them, I’m now focusing on staying present in the here and now, maintaining patience, having acceptance (of myself and of others), and building autonomous sources of self-confidenceAs my dear friend Andrew put it, I am working on the defining characteristic of adulthood: resilience, or the ability to bounce back.

It is my hope that with these lessons in mind I will come into my volunteer “adulthood” fairly balanced and self-assured. I do indeed feel on the upandup once again: recent explorations of new pockets of town have given me wonderfully fresh eyes, I feel I am finally making sincere Nepali friends as time pushes my friendships beyond the acquaintance stage, and my host family is becoming more familial.In a phrase, I’m back “on top of the world” and excited to jump into the next stage of service: project development.